When food was my best friend and my worst enemy
When food was my best friend and my worst enemy…
It was the soothing distraction from whatever I was struggling to deal with, to the extent that I didn’t even realise that there were things to deal with any more.
When food was my best friend and my worst enemy, I would observe people around food and envy them for the power that it didn’t hold over them, but did for me;
how they could have, or not have foods without fighting an internal battle with their feelings of self control.
When food was my best friend and my worst enemy, I would long to not be distracted from my situation,
to the extent that I could not hear an entire conversation because I was transfixed by the sound of an ice cream van in the distance, or the smell of bread coming from a bakery.
When food was my best friend and my worst enemy, every social occasion or location was defined the foods available there.
What I wanted or felt I had to avoid.
When food was my best friend and my worst enemy, I felt like I was wired differently to everyone else and I couldn’t imagine a future any different, or things being any other way...
But today, on what felt like a difficult day for me on an emotional level,
a day when I would have needed my best friend and then later listened to my worst enemy fill me with guilt for my actions…
I remembered all of this.
⚫️ I went into a sandwich shop.
⚫️ I wasn’t overwhelmed by what I “should” or “shouldn’t” have.
⚫️ I ordered what I wanted and would enjoy.
⚫️ I was totally behind my decision and happy with it.
⚫️ I ate it and enjoyed it, tasting every bite.
❤️And as I threw the wrapper in the bin I thought “this would have turned into a massive binge once”❤️
It was strange, because the present had become the future I could never have imagined…
and the past that I thought could never change seemed equally unimaginable.
I don’t have a time machine and I can’t go back in time to tell the person who felt trapped by their best friend and their worst enemy that there could be any other way,
but I thought I should tell you,
because I have a feeling that if you are reading this, maybe how she felt makes a lot of sense to you
and if you’d let me, I’d love to meet you one day.